It has been three years almost to the day since I last attempted to write on this blog. I actually accessed it this late hour on accident. While discussing websites like Blogger with one of my younger brothers I quickly typed "Blogger" into Google's search engine and my page opened automatically. I had intended to search by topic for other works like that intended by my brother.

I was hit by a wave of regret and guilt for how I had left this once proud endeavor. I had uploaded half a dozen or so poems and some short stories but removed them intending to perhaps use some of them in poetry contests (many of which have rules that require original works to not been published elsewhere as mine were here). I checked out several contests and was quickly intimidated by the competition not to mention fearful of the fact that virtually none of my poems had been protected by copyright. I was defensive of my work but I still wanted people to have access to them. So I considered reciting them at poetry slams and I found several that required signing up in advance but also a few venues that allowed impromptu sharing. Unfortunately as I visited one location it was on the wrong day and other locations conflicted with my college and work schedules.

I was excited and fearful to share my work because I had only recently developed my love for poetry, a change in my I did not think possible as I had for most of my life had a certain contempt and dislike for most poetry. I attribute this change to a teacher on her second to last quarter before her retirement. I will forever be indebted to the woman (though her name I am remiss to have forgotten. I will have to find it in my homework records, I have always been notoriously awful at remembering people's names to my great shame) for her powerful way of seeding interest and nurturing my early attempts and failures until I saw my own growth and so dearly loved the feeling that I could not stop for awe. It was this class that confirmed in me my then recent decision to change my major to English Creative Writing and finally pursue a lifelong, albeit neglected, passion. Writing poetry has become one of my favorite pastimes and most important coping methods these last two years.

In the middle of Winter quarter of my senior year at Eastern Washington University in Spokane my wife informed me that she was leaving me for a guy she had fallen in love with in her classes while earning her theater degree. Perhaps one day I will be clear minded and honest enough with myself to be able to write down the spaghetti mess of how we failed each-other; all the guilt and shame filled factors that led to the most painful, mind breaking and hopeless days, weeks, months and now year of my entire life. Human words I fear will forever fail to convey the hell that is losing all hope. I collapsed onto the ground and wept the bitter tears of utter loss. My cries racked me until I could not breathe and I endured my first panic attack. I called one of my best friends, Alex Theobald a counselor and therapist himself, who helped my breathe and overcome the most debilitating moments until I could roll over and crawl to my bed.

I dropped my hardest class and made a meager attempt to press on with my other classes but soon found my depression unbearable and I chose instead to drop out completely and sought out the comfort and guidance of my religious leader. Through him and a fantastic therapist along with many wonderful friends and a supportive family I got rid of everything my wife did not want and that wouldn't fit into my car and I moved from Washington State to Utah to live with my best friend Aaron and to be closer to my extended family and several of my brothers. I am currently transitioning out of my friend's home but due to the recent Covid-19 Corona Virus pandemic I have been forced to postpone. My divorce was finalized about six months after my wife left me and as divorces go it was pretty straightforward as we had no children or assets to speak of. Despite this it has been an agonizingly slow and painful transition for me back to single...existence.

And so we are here, on Blogger, and I wrote as I was wont to. I am happy sometimes now and it made me feel better to write a little bit here. I have written so much more of my story elsewhere and many therapeutic personal poems that will I expect go with me to my grave. I look forward to sharing more here in this more public forum though I may hold back on posting any poetry for the time being as I have plans to publish a compilation of my favorite poems in chapbook form. Once I am confident they are all professionally edited and copyrighted I expect I will share a few of them here. Stay safe wherever you are in the world!

-Jacob Scott